Aaron and Robert: a difficult journey
by baisbais
Summary: Aaron and Robert's relationship encounters a few obstacles... will love overcome? Let me know your thoughts :)
1. Chapter 1

"Morning love, are you ok?" Chas put a cup of tea in front of Aaron, and stood back, clearly not sure what mood he was in. Aaron appreciated the gesture, but didn't feel up to responding to it.

"I've got to get to work," he muttered. He left the tea on the table and walked out of the room – but did pause for a moment before leaving, to give his mum a quick smile. It wasn't really a smile; just a flattening of his mouth in her direction – but he wanted her to know that he was grateful. Just not ready to talk.

He walked across the road from the pub, checking his phone as he went. Paddy had sent a text. Well, three: the first one was just a mash of letters; the second was an apology, and the third said 'Come over for a beer tonight if you like'. Aaron couldn't help smirking at the texts; it was so like Paddy to make an awkward situation all the more awkward. But he knew it was unlikely that he'd go.

The garage was empty when Aaron got there. He was thankful that the others weren't in. It gave him the opportunity to work quietly, just getting on with a few cars waiting to be serviced, trying not to think too much about… well, about what that day meant.

But then, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted somebody coming up the forecourt. Truth be told, it was actually the smell he got first; the faintest tang of the aftershave he had grown to know so well. Half of him was excited; half of him knew that it was the worst possible thing that could happen that morning.

"Hi mate," said Robert, leaning against the wall and watching Aaron tinker with the engine. "You alright?"

Aaron grunted.

"Look, I'm sorry things have been difficult recently. What with Katie on one hand, and all that stuff with Lachlan on the other – I'll make it up to you, I promise."

Aaron kept working on the car, and didn't even grunt this time.

"You're making me work hard, mate! What's the problem?" There was a pause. "I can wait all day, you know, and there's worse sights to see than a dirty little grease monkey getting his hands filthy."

Aaron could hardly ignore that. He emerged from the bonnet, and looked at Robert, trying to keep his face emotionless. It was difficult. Robert was looking particularly vulnerable today. It wasn't just the grey jumper or his tousled hair – both slightly damp from the light rain – it was the pleading look on his face. It reminded him of the time, in the barn, when Robert had said "What have I done this time?" It felt like they were a couple who had an argument that they would work through, not just the tawdry secret of an engaged man. But in this case, Robert really didn't know what the problem was. There wasn't any way he could know.

"So, Aaron. Do you fancy a business meeting later? There are some figures I'd like to go over. No, wait, there's one figure I'd like to go over…" Robert smirked at Aaron boyishly. He clearly loved coming out with these slightly silly innuendos, and watching the lustful embarrassment on Aaron's face.

"Sorry, no." That was all Aaron managed to say.

"Why not? There's nobody here. Just take the afternoon off."

"I said no."

They stared at each other in silence for about half a minute, both waiting to see what the other would say. Then Robert shrugged, and turned away. He looked rather hurt, but was obviously trying to hide it. "Fine. I'll speak to you later."

Aaron stared after Robert retreating body. He started to say 'Robert' but stopped himself, and instead kicked the car tyre in frustration.

"Happy birthday, Jackson," he muttered.


	2. Chapter 2

Aaron looked at his phone again. That was the third text he'd got from Robert since brushing him off earlier in the day. The first two were short and light-hearted – 'What's up, grease monkey?'; 'You're cute when you're grumpy' – but the third made Aaron's heart skip a little: 'You ok, A? Talk to me.' Yet he still didn't want to reply.

Instead, as his day at the garage had come to an end (still without anybody else turning up) he went home, sneaking in silently so that Chas wouldn't notice him and come mothering, and grabbed a bottle of beer, taking it outside.

It was dark now, so maybe nobody would spot him heading into the churchyard. Paddy would doubtless be looking out the window, keeping an eye on him, but Aaron stuck his hood up and hoped for the best. And once he was stood in front of Jackson's grave, he opened the bottle and poured a splash onto the ground.

"That's for you, Jay," he whispered, tears coming to his eyes as they so often did. Although the ground was still wet from the rain, he sat down and faced the tombstone. He made sure he didn't do this too often; once a year was enough. And he'd missed it for a few years, being out of the country – although, of course, he' still remembered and marked the day in his own way.

"I bloody miss you, Jackson," he said. "I wish you were here. I've got meself into a mess." He wiped the tears from his eyes, and thought how strange it was to be having this one-way conversation with the first man he had ever loved. "Of course, if you _were_ here, I'd never have looked at Robert Sugden. Well… I might have _looked_."

Aaron wished Jackson could see him now. Wished Jackson could see how he had changed; how he had become so much more confident and happy in himself, kinder to his family, and more open with his emotions. Because Jackson was, to a large extent, responsible for those changes in Aaron. And while that brought a lump to Aaron's throat, it wasn't just nostalgia or gratitude; it was shame. What would Jackson say, if he knew that Aaron was having an adulterous affair? Or that he had become so smitten with a man who intended to end the relationship as soon as he got married? Aaron couldn't even imagine.

"Hey, lad. Thought I'd find you here."

For a second, Aaron thought Robert had found him again. But it was Adam. Aaron didn't know whether to be thankful or disappointed, but the former outweighed the latter after a moment or two. What he needed right now was a friend, not a complication. Adam settled down on the ground next to him.

"It's Jackson's birthday, isn't it? I didn't forget." Adam pulled his knees up to his chest, sitting close enough to Aaron to make him feel supported, but not encroaching on his space. "You know what, mate, I think he'd be dead proud of you."

Aaron snorted, and rolled his eyes – which had, of course, filled again with tears.

"Nah, I mean it. He would. You've become the sort of man he wanted you to be."

"I dunno about that."

"Are you kidding? You were willing to go to jail for me, mate. And you stopped me doing anything stupid in that whole Ross situation. You're practically a saint, mate."

Aaron didn't reply, and Adam punched him on the arm – somehow being both playful and compassionate in the way that only a best friend can be.

"You should believe me, Aaron! I'm a honest man. Ask anyone. Except maybe the judge who sent me down, of course."

Aaron just shook his head, and wiped some more tears away. He rocked back and forth a bit.

"Adam," he said. "It's not true. I… I think Jackson would be disgusted with me."

"What? What are you talking about, mate?"

"There's… there's somebody… I…"

"Is it that guy you were talking about in the pub the other day? That lad who cancelled on you?"

Aaron just nodded.

"Well, that's ok! Jackson didn't expect you to be a monk for the rest of your life. He'd want you to be happy, wouldn't he?"

"I know _that_…"

"And it's ok to have a bit of fun, too. After Jackson you went straight on to Ed, and… you haven't sown your wild oats, have you, mate?" Adam elbowed him in the ribs, and somehow turned it into a sort of half hug. Aaron was leaning on him, crying a little into his shoulder, letting loose all the emotions he'd been holding. "Sshh, sshh, it's ok Aaron. There's nowt to cry about. Honest."

"But it's not that. It's not that, Adam."

"Well, what is it, mate? You can tell me. I'm not gonna judge, am I?"

"I… I think… I think I bloody love him."

"Well, that should be a good thing, you idiot! Although, I'm pretty peeved that I haven't even met the lad yet. What's he like?"

Aaron just shook his head, and didn't stop crying.

"It's complicated, mate. It's just so bloody complicated."

"Adam? Aaadaaam!" The cry came sharply out through the churchyard. "Adam! I didn't get Marlon to let me off early so I could play hide and seek with dead people! What are you playing at?"

"It's Vic," muttered Adam. "Don't worry, mate, I'll explain. Give me a moment."

"Nah," Aaron shook his head. "No, it's fine. Go on, go and see her." He wiped his eyes and smiled unconvincingly. "I'm fine, honest."

Before Adam could protest further, Aaron stood up, put the hood back over his head, and skulked off into the dark, leaving a very confused Victoria to find her boyfriend sitting by a grave in the dark. What Aaron didn't realise, what Adam didn't realise, was that Victoria wasn't the only Sugden in the graveyard that night. Kneeling in a dark corner, having heard everything the two men said to each other, was a very quiet Robert, brow furrowed, deep in thought.


	3. Chapter 3

Throughout the rest of that evening, Aaron had received a few texts from Adam, a couple from Paddy, and even one from Hazel – she still found the day even more difficult than he did, of course – but nothing from Robert. Aaron had assumed that – Jackson's birthday over – things would resume as before. But thinking about his dead boyfriend had really made him reconsider. Now, the next morning, he'd had enough time to run over everything in his mind for hours and hours.

It was all pointless. Whether or not he was in love with Robert, Robert could never love him. Robert was engaged; he was going to be married in a matter of weeks. Until yesterday, Aaron had thought himself happy to carry on sleeping with Robert behind Chrissie's back – in barns, outhouses, hotels, or wherever they could manage. But that wasn't ok. Quite apart from the dishonesty of the situation, what sort of future was that? Loving a man who used him for a cheap thrill every now and then. Yes, it was exhilaratingly sexy, but it wasn't enough. That wasn't what Jackson would want for him, if he could see Aaron now.

But maybe, thought Aaron, his hand slowly moving, unconsciously, towards the scars on his torso – maybe that was all he deserved. The logic went around his head, torturing itself in tangles until it made a twisted sense. He was willing to break up a home, so he deserved to feel unloved. He wasn't worth the wholehearted love of a man like Robert; any man. A fixed look came into Aaron's eyes. He decided not to go to the garage; instead he got into his car and started driving.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Aaron strode into the office without knocking. Robert was sat at the desk, intently typing, and looked up in surprise. He was wearing a suit jacket with dark trousers, looking every inch the businessman. Only the dark circles under his eyes gave any indication of how long he had lain awake.

"Aaron. I didn't expect to see you."

"Is anybody else here?"

"Are you ok? You don't look very well."

"I said – is anybody else here?"

"No. Nicola's still off work, Chrissie's taken Lachlan into town, and Lawrence – "

But Aaron didn't care about the finer details. Determinedly keeping his face emotionless, he nodded towards the stairs, then followed the direction of the gesture. He ran up a couple of the steps.

"C'mon! Upstairs – now."

Robert looked uncertain. Goodness knows he hadn't needed much encouragement before, but this time he hesitated. He was obviously trying to read the tone of the situation. Aaron didn't know, of course, that Robert had overheard everything that had been said in the graveyard. He couldn't tell what thoughts were going through Robert's mind; he only knew that he had to persuade Robert upstairs before too many thoughts filled his, Aaron's, head. Momentum was key here.

Robert was still hesitant, but couldn't resist the lure of sex with this eager, extremely attractive man. Talking could come later; perhaps he was overthinking things. Aaron was here, after all. He ran after Aaron, catching up with him before they'd reached the landing.

"No, not there. That's – that's… Let's go to one of the spare bedrooms."

Robert pulled Aaron by the wrist, away from his and Chrissie's room, down the corridor and through a different door. The room looked out over the front drive, and had a few odds and ends of furniture that didn't match and had clearly been rejected from the other bedrooms. Coats were piled on a chair; boxes were piled in a corner. Thankfully there were no photos in the room; Aaron didn't feel he could go ahead with any pictures of Chrissie beaming out at them, particularly if they showed her with Robert. There was a bed; that was the important thing.

Aaron grabbed the lapels of Robert's jacket, and pulled him in close, kissing his lips with an urgency that was almost alarming. Robert's hands quickly found their place on Aaron's hips, and he returned the kiss eagerly – but didn't go any further. Usually, in these hasty and passionate trysts, it was only a moment or two before Robert started undoing Aaron's belt, or removing his own jacket. Aaron even bucked his hips forward, keen to move quickly, but instead Robert pulled back. His expressive eyes – which could be so dismissive, so apologetic, so kind; which showed exactly the emotion he was feeling or intending to convey – were fixed on Aaron's. Aaron, in turn, was focusing on not crying in front of Robert. Instead, he made his voice almost angry.

"What are you doing? What's wrong?" Then, more anxiously: "Did you hear something? Someone?"

"No, nothing like that. It's just… Aaron, do you want to talk?"

Talk! This was new. Usually Aaron would crave this sort of moment, but not today.

"No, I don't want to talk. Just f—k me. That's what we're here for."

Robert was visibly taken aback by Aaron's abrupt language.

"C'mon. _F—k_ me, while the missus is away. We've got about ten minutes before you need to chuck me out, haven't we?"

"Why are you being like this?"

"Oh, sorry. Do you want to throw money at me? Do you want me to f—cking dance, or something? Is that what you usually get prostitutes to do?"

"What are you talking about, mate?" Robert's hands were on his own hips now, his mouth ajar. His hair was tousled from energetic kissing, but he couldn't have looked less ready to have sex. He just looked shocked. He looked still more shocked when Aaron raised his voice:

"You don't care how I feel about y-… how I feel. You've thrown ten grand around just to f—k me, _mate_. I should feel flattered. I'll be your dirty little secret, and you get to feel like you're helping out the poor ex-con up the road. And then you end up as lord of the manor, you'll bin me, and I'll be all set up dragging scrap around or driving taxis or whatever it ends up being. If I complain, throw more money at me. What won't Aaron do for a bit of brass?"

Aaron pulled his jumper off and threw it on the floor. He did the same with his shirt, and then his belt. He flung his arms out sideways.

"COME ON!"

But he couldn't even get through those two words without breaking down. He swore, but kept crying. It was all a bit of a blur for a minute or two. Robert was shhhing him, looking alarmed and concerned; he sat down on the bed, and Robert did too. His crying pounded through the throbbing in his head, all his energy going into angry weeping, forgetting for a moment that Robert was even there, until the air began to clear again. The pain and thudding subsided. Aaron felt suddenly extremely foolish. And then he realised what Robert was doing. He was tracing his fingers along the scars on Aaron's chest. There was nothing sexual about this contact at all; it was incredibly intimate. Aaron froze.

"Sshh. Aaron, it's ok, it's ok." Robert realised that Aaron was quiet again, and looked up into his face. "Where did all that come from? Do you really think that's how I think of you?"

Aaron shook his head, but more to signify that he wasn't ready to speak than any actual denial. Robert kept staring into his eyes, breaking down his defences.

"I've been meaning to apologise. I said something unforgivable about your… about your scars. I was – I was really nervous to be in the gay bar, to be honest. I still don't think you should have taken me there. But, still, I shouldn't have said it. I'm sorry."

Aaron looked away, still unable to speak. He wished he hadn't taken off his shirt – he'd even kept it during sex since Robert had mentioned the scars – but it would have felt too decisive an action to put it back on right now.

"Will you tell me about them?"

Aaron stayed silent, facing the other way. Robert took off his jacket and put it around Aaron's shoulders.

"Will you tell me about Jackson?"


End file.
